You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
