the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
