Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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