pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
