Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
