Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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