I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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