what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Randomize
