What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
