I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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