if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Enjoy the penises
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
