; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
