last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
