make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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