last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize