i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
