i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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