if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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