Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
