you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
