I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
