You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
