my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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