if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
we're so committed to being not committed
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
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