we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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