he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
