Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
