Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
