you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
