Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
