Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm sobbing to NWA
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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