he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
