Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
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