now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
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I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
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There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?