how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
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I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
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Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Dick very happy bro