There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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