i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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