I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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