dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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