Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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