Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
