It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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