ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
