His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
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