when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
