plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Randomize
