I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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