just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
