so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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