need another drink. this is the easiest way
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
