Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
