I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
