Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
