I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
