if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm always down for nudity.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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