If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
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